halo incarnates

hate being incomplete. will never be whole. will never be how we should be. hate the memory. hate what happened. didn’t ask for it. didn’t want it to happen. didn’t ask for it. was forced. hated it. hated it hated it. will never be free of it. will always be haunted. hate it. feel like cutting. blood pays for sins. hate being hated. hate being feared. didn’t want things to happen. hate being afraid. am not a coward. didn’t want things to happen. didn’t know what to do. hate myself. hate feeling defiled. hate feeling unclean. will never be whole. hate myself. hate myself. hate myself. want to cut. nothing sharp here. want to cut. no way to cut. am tired. hate being haunted. hate being haunted when we sleep. hate having memory of what was. didn’t ask for it. didn’t want it. hate myself. hate myself. hate myself. hate being incomplete. will never be whole. hate what happened. hate it. didn’t ask. hate it. can never forget. am haunted.

Halo incarnates

hate myself. Want to cut. Hate feeling ashamed. Hate being haunted.

Indigo Incarnates

It’s been dark, rainy, and cold for three days straight and the weather forecast predicts another four days just like it. Nice. It’s the kind o weather that makes this body ache. I can feel a sort of echo of every major injury I’ve ever had. I know that as a Wiccan I’m supposed to appreciate all aspects of nature and weather, but it’s hard to feel appreciative when my energy is drained and this physical body aches for no good reason. Of well… what can ya do?

On the bright side, we’re finally rid of T-Mobile. Doug’s iPhone arrived yesterday, so we finished porting our numbers to AT&T. Now, it’s not that I’m some gargantuan AT&T fan, but at least they have decent coverage where we live and where our families live. T-Mobile *used* to, but earlier this year they decided to cut costs by letting their roaming agreements expire. This had the effect of vastly shrinking their coverage area and making their data transfer rate a heck of a lot slower (my Blackberry was down to 4 Kbps towards the end.) Yeah, and I’m sure that anyone who owns a T-Mobile Sidekick is happy right now too, since T-Mobile botched the service in a spectacular way that made everyone’s Sidekick phones lose their stored phone numbers, photos, ring tones, and games.

I had to finally turn the heat on yesterday. But I did wait until the house got down to 54 degrees before I just couldn’t take it anymore. Electricity is absurdly expensive in Maryland because the former Governor (Robert Ehrlich) decided to let BGE operate as an unregulated monopoly for energy generation. So of course the first thing the company did was to more than double the price of natural gas and electricity. The CEO got a $30 million dollar bonus last year. Now our current Governor (Martin O’Malley) is dragging his heels on allowing a new power plant to be built – despite the fact that in doing so, thousands of jobs would be created and the price of electricity would go down because of the additional generating capability. He also raised taxes – a lot – despite the fact that the Bush Recession shows no signs of letting up anytime in the near future. So, to say the least, my income is lower, but everything else costs more. Lovely.

Indigo Incarnates

Every time I lead or participate in a Wiccan rite, I get more assured that this is the right spiritual path for me. I think it significant that the Wiccan deities are a god and goddess of nature. In Christianity, Judeaism, and Islam, the deity is a god of war. In Wicca, the goddess and god are not ashamed of creation and not ashamed of their children (ie. us). In the Abrahamic faiths, the angry war god of the desert hates creation and is ashamed of humanity. I choose a faith where I am loved by the goddess and god.

Indigo Incarnates

With just one exception, this weekend has been pretty cool. On Friday, I led an Autumn rite at Turning Circle. The worship service went pretty well. The thing about Wicca is that there is a real focus on community and on personal spiritual development. At Turning Circle, we have two kinds of services: Circle Rites and Moon Rites. The Circle Rites are generally longer than the Moon Rites. Fortunately, it was pretty easy to shave down a Circle Rite down to the time constraints of a Moon Rite. Basically, to compare it to an Episcopalian service, a Circle Rite is like an 11:15am service while a Moon Rite is like a 7:00am service.

As a Wiccan who also attends Church at Saint John's in Ellicott City, I basically believe in two parts of the Christian Trinity. The attributes of Jesus are similar to that of the Wiccan God: courage, duty, stoicism in the face of death, sacrifice for the life of others, regeneration and new life following death. The Holy Spirit and the Wiccan Goddess in their respective faiths are described in similar ways: omnipresent, life giving, ever-loving, ever nurturing. I just don't buy into the idea that the hateful, violent, petty, genocidal War God of the Old Testament is the father of Jesus.

Saturday was pretty good. I did my Sarurday workout and I got to play a biweekly roleplaying game with Doug, Jeff, and Ritchie. I played a lizardman shaman that basically looked like a five-foot tall T-Rex. Doug played a cat humanoid that has big claws bit is usually too lazy to use them (ie., like a real cat, ha ha!)

The only drag this weekend was having another night full of nightmares about my dad. It's quite amazing how he's able to still hurt me even to this day. But since the Angry Desert God has always blessed the hateful and malevolent works my dad has wrought, I can hardly be surprised that YHVH has granted my father the ability to inflict injury from afar.

I'm trying to stagger my way through two church services today since it's handbell Sunday. I am really tired. :(

Indigo Incarnates

It’s hard to imagine a person less deserving of receiving the Nobel Peace Prize than Barack Obama. The only one I can think of is the late, unlamented arch-terrorist/thief Yassir Arafat.

When I heard that Obama was going to receive the Nobel Peace Prize, the first though that came to mind was “But… he hasn’t DONE anything!” Really. What the heck has Obama done in the past 9 months that make him worthy of this award?

Let’s see… in nine months, he broke every promise he ever made while campaigning.

Advancing the cause of the LGTB community? That’s a broken promise.
Ending the war? That’s a broken promise.
Ending “too big to fail”? That’s a broken promise.
Ending lobbying? That’s a broken promise.
Closing GitMo? That’s a broken promise.
Revoking the Patriot Act? That’s a broken promise.
Hiring only ethical, scandal-free appointees? That’s a broken promise.
The list goes on, but you get the idea.

I got it! He got the Nobel Peace Prize for having the most promises broken within the first year in office!

Indigo Incarnates

This week has been rough so far. I had to run two case books since one of the agents was out sick. I handles about a hundred cases! The horror!!! And there's some odd and sinister thing going on at the higher echelons of management. I have the dreaded feeling that there is about to be a massively unpleasant shakeup at work. Fortunately I do very detailed and comprehensive case work. Still, the stress level is really high right now.

On the bright side, I've got one of our four phones migrated to AT&T. The other three will port over on Tuesday. Doug and I are getting one iPhone and one el-cheapo phone each. We're sorta gadgety so we have one phone for Internet/email and one for talking to people. I have my iPhone activated and it is a totally awesome device. It's basiclly got a
less power than a netbook, but far more power than any regular smartphone.

Tomorrow will be pretty neat. I'm leading a worship service at Turning Circle. I'm leading an Autumn Rite. It's not a "high" rite, but it'll be nice.

Indigo Incarnates

It's been a really fun weekend, the most enjoyable one I've had in a while. It also didn't cost that much money either.Yay!

So Doug, Jeff, and I went to "Field of Screams" this weekend since it is "Haunted House Season". The owners made some significant improvements so that a lot of things catch on fire. Whooo-hooo!Propane always makes things more interesting. There was also a "Frankenstein" tableaux that featured the biggest Jacob's Ladder I've ever seen.

Last night, Doug, Joann, and I had dinner at PF Chang's. Joann is one of my friends from Pretrial Services. One of the advantages of being a vegetarian is that the veggy entries are always pretty inexpensive. And it's always fun talking trash about lazy coworkers, hee hee.

I also did a whole lot of exercise. I did 8 miles on Saturday and 6 miles today. And it was sunny today, so I was able to get some energy too.

Yesterday was the full moon. That's a good day for doing a healing ritual so I cast a healing spell on my mom's behalf. I am happy that she has outlived her diagnosis by a year. Her doctor gave her six months to live -- 18 months ago.

So... it was a pretty fun weekend.

Indigo Incarnates

By a coincidence in trial dates, I was able to jettison about 15% of my caseload in just one day! Whooo-hoo! One of the cases was my only handgun file. Yay! So now I'm back down to 54 cases. ::whew::

One of the cases was kinda frustrating. You have to wonder what the logic is behind putting on Pretrial a homeless prostitute with a long-standing substance abuse problem. The person in question had 14 convictions and 15 FTAs, so of course she never comes to court when summoned. Well, she didn't come this time either. Egads!

On the bright side, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Netflix added three MST3K movies to the "Watch It Now" library. One of them is the dreaded "Werewolf", starring Joe Estevez (as opposed to Martin Sheen or Emilio Estevez). It's got some people in it with really thick Eastern European accents, and they pronounce the word "werewolf" as "Hwuerhuwolfe". Ha ha ha ha!

Tomorrow night we'll be doing another haunted house run. Yay! I think it's going to be "field of Screams". Fun!

Indigo Incarnates

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I think this is the time of year in which my energy level goes way down. It’s hard when it’s pitch black when I get up in the morning. Soon it’ll be pitch black when I get off work too. For the past two weeks it has been overcast or raining almost every day and has rained for the past three weekends. My energy levels are sorta in the basement right now.

Doug and I were supposed to go to Corn Maze, but of course it rained – again. We did go to Halloween Park. It was pretty cool. They combined both buildings this year so that the tour is now and hour and ten minutes. It was one of these “puzzle” haunted houses since we had to figure out a trigger in each room in order to get the door to the next room to open. It was pretty cool. Whoever designed this place sure was a fan of hydraulics!

Of course, our T-Mobile phones didn’t work out of state AGAIN. It used to. But apparently T-Mobile dropped most of their roaming agreements with other carriers so now my phone only works in the Baltimore metro area. So when I called them this morning to report yet another place where the phone no longer functioned, they finally agreed to let me out of my contract without penalty. FINALLY! Doug wants to go with Sprint since the phones are cute. Personally, I don’t care so long as they work in more places than just Baltimore.

I have to say that I’m puzzled by the fact that the fundamentalist Christians were all gushing with sympathy this week over the death of Susan Atkins. The rational person would say “good riddance to bad rubbish” since she stabbed a pregnant woman in the abdomen and ripped out her victim’s baby and killed the baby too – for no reason at all. But the fundamentalists sort of view her as a “folk hero” since she did a prison-conversion to Christianity. Big whupp. One of the other Mansion cultists converted to Christian Fundamentalism and actually got ordained even though he’ll be in jail for the next several centuries. I guess it’s okay for murderers to be pastors, but not gays. Go figure, eh?

So, now that Iran has nukes and is being run by a madman, isn’t it just AWESOME that Bush spend six years listening to the god-voices in his head that told him to attack Iraq instead? Wonderful.

Hopefully this weekend will be sunny for a change. I’d like to go with Doug to Corn Maze – especially since out friend Mav wants to go too.

Oh, I spent my allowance wisely. For $31, I got a GPS module for my itty bitty netbook. That’s a lot cheaper than spending $149 for a dedicated GPS unit. It’s also a lot cheaper than spending $2700 for an in-dash unit (which I’d never spend that much money for such a trivial thing anyway). So we used the little GPS to go to the haunted house last night and it worked like a charm :)

It’s only 11 more days until I get to lead a worship service at Turning Circle. Yay! They liked my Autumn Rite enough that I got invited to do it again. Too kewl.